THOUGHTFUL RAMBLING No. 3
"My Letter to Santa"
Dear Santa,
I know it's been a while since I've written to you. Sorry about that. In no way should you take that as any indication that I don't believe in you. On the contrary, I very much believe in you and I always have. For me, the giving part of Christmas has always been the best part. There's just nothing better than finding the perfect gift for the people you love and watching them open it up, right?
Of course, as the highest-volume gift giver of all time, you will also understand that as great as giving is, there comes a time when you ask yourself, "What about me?" I can only imagine how many ashtrays made out of reindeer hoof impressions you've gotten. While I admit up front, this is somewhat selfish, this year, I'm focusing on what I want for Christmas and that's why I'm writing. Like Morgan Freeman's immortal character Red in "The Shawshank Redemption," you're the man who knows how to get stuff. Here's what I want:
First, I want you to bring President Bush a foreign policy plan for North Korea. I read the other day that we're withholding the export of iPods and Plasma TVs from North Korea because they're favorites of Kim Jong-Il and we don't want him to have them. Are they kidding? The man got plutonium. He can't get an iPod? I think we need a do-over on this one.
Next, I'd like two ringside seats for the Clinton-Obama title bout next fall. If you can't get those (I understand. Everyone is going to want those and I haven't paid my $10,000 for a Democratic spaghetti plate), maybe you can get me ringside for the McCain/Guiliani/Romney Death Cage Battle Royal. Rumor has it Condi Rice may serve as the ring girl. Then again, she might just be playing the national anthem on a grand piano before hand. Either way, I'd like to be there when Newt Gingrich comes out of the stands swinging a folding chair.
O.K. This next one is non-negotiable. I want a commitment from NBC for at least 3 full seasons of "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip." If there was any other way to describe Aaron Sorkin's writing besides genius, I would use it. But since there's not, genius will do. "Studio 60" is the smartest, wittiest show on television and Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford are perfect. America needs the chance to fall in love with them. I'll admit - I am.
Speaking of America, will you please put a little literacy in everyone's stocking this year? If I hear one more time that people don't read, I'm either gonna throw up or take 100 families to an island somewhere and start over. I know people read. I've seen 'em do it. The thing is, they read what interests them. Perhaps if things were more stimulating, more engaging, more thought-provoking, more funny, more challenging and more well-written, more people would be interested. As long as people-companies-newspapers-magazines insist on dumbing things down, that's exactly the country we're going to produce.
And speaking of dumbed down, I saw your "Ho, Ho, Ho Special" on Santa After Dark and while I really don't need a "Baby, Flash Me One More Time" Britney Spears doll with the optional panties, I would like you to pay Britney a little visit while you're in her neighborhood. Forget the coal and switches, somebody needs to smack that little girl on the ass and not in a fun, "twenty dollahs to make you hollah" kind of way. There are millions of impressionable little girls throughout America who now think it's acceptable to show the world their pancreas getting out of the car. Any chance you put Britney, Lindsay and Paris in the toy factory for a few days? If an honest day's work doesn't whip them, maybe the elves will.
Well, that's about it. Have a safe trip and thank you for doing what you can to bring me everything on my list. I'll leave the Gingerbread men and the milk in the usual place.
Your pal,
Michael
"My Letter to Santa"
Dear Santa,
I know it's been a while since I've written to you. Sorry about that. In no way should you take that as any indication that I don't believe in you. On the contrary, I very much believe in you and I always have. For me, the giving part of Christmas has always been the best part. There's just nothing better than finding the perfect gift for the people you love and watching them open it up, right?
Of course, as the highest-volume gift giver of all time, you will also understand that as great as giving is, there comes a time when you ask yourself, "What about me?" I can only imagine how many ashtrays made out of reindeer hoof impressions you've gotten. While I admit up front, this is somewhat selfish, this year, I'm focusing on what I want for Christmas and that's why I'm writing. Like Morgan Freeman's immortal character Red in "The Shawshank Redemption," you're the man who knows how to get stuff. Here's what I want:
First, I want you to bring President Bush a foreign policy plan for North Korea. I read the other day that we're withholding the export of iPods and Plasma TVs from North Korea because they're favorites of Kim Jong-Il and we don't want him to have them. Are they kidding? The man got plutonium. He can't get an iPod? I think we need a do-over on this one.
Next, I'd like two ringside seats for the Clinton-Obama title bout next fall. If you can't get those (I understand. Everyone is going to want those and I haven't paid my $10,000 for a Democratic spaghetti plate), maybe you can get me ringside for the McCain/Guiliani/Romney Death Cage Battle Royal. Rumor has it Condi Rice may serve as the ring girl. Then again, she might just be playing the national anthem on a grand piano before hand. Either way, I'd like to be there when Newt Gingrich comes out of the stands swinging a folding chair.
O.K. This next one is non-negotiable. I want a commitment from NBC for at least 3 full seasons of "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip." If there was any other way to describe Aaron Sorkin's writing besides genius, I would use it. But since there's not, genius will do. "Studio 60" is the smartest, wittiest show on television and Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford are perfect. America needs the chance to fall in love with them. I'll admit - I am.
Speaking of America, will you please put a little literacy in everyone's stocking this year? If I hear one more time that people don't read, I'm either gonna throw up or take 100 families to an island somewhere and start over. I know people read. I've seen 'em do it. The thing is, they read what interests them. Perhaps if things were more stimulating, more engaging, more thought-provoking, more funny, more challenging and more well-written, more people would be interested. As long as people-companies-newspapers-magazines insist on dumbing things down, that's exactly the country we're going to produce.
And speaking of dumbed down, I saw your "Ho, Ho, Ho Special" on Santa After Dark and while I really don't need a "Baby, Flash Me One More Time" Britney Spears doll with the optional panties, I would like you to pay Britney a little visit while you're in her neighborhood. Forget the coal and switches, somebody needs to smack that little girl on the ass and not in a fun, "twenty dollahs to make you hollah" kind of way. There are millions of impressionable little girls throughout America who now think it's acceptable to show the world their pancreas getting out of the car. Any chance you put Britney, Lindsay and Paris in the toy factory for a few days? If an honest day's work doesn't whip them, maybe the elves will.
Well, that's about it. Have a safe trip and thank you for doing what you can to bring me everything on my list. I'll leave the Gingerbread men and the milk in the usual place.
Your pal,
Michael
posted by Michael Tuggle at 9:49 AM
2 comments
