THOUGHTFUL RAMBLING No. 20
"I'm Thinking Of You Luke"
Nine years ago today, Pancreatic Cancer took my Dad away from me. I still don't understand it. And it still hurts. I miss him constantly and not a day goes by that I don't have a question I wish I could ask him. Matthew was only 2 when Daddy died. And he never got a chance to meet my precious Caroline. If I think about it too hard, it still makes me angry. My Dad died on June 13, 1999. It was my Mother's birthday as it is today. He was 59.
Nobody deserves to die at 59.
It's said that time heals all wounds. I'm not sure that's true, but at very least it numbs the pain a little. The problem, I think, is that when a loved one leaves us, they are forever frozen in time the way they were the day we lost them. My father doesn't age for me. He is, and will forever be, the age, look and disposition that he was the summer before we realilzed he was sick. The difficulty is that we continue to grow. I was lucky. By the time Daddy died, we'd had pretty much every conversation we needed to have. But that was nine years ago. Since then, our family has grown, I've worked to build a career, taught Sunday School, finished three Triathlons and hopefully lived a life my father would have been proud of. I want to share those things with him. I want to hear his big booming voice again and get his perspective on everything. But I can't.
As time has passed, I have learned to deal with that frustration and found a peace with the void I have in my head and my heart. But today, my heart was again ripped open with the news of Tim Russert's death.
I've always been an ABC News guy, but always liked watching Tim Russert. I TiVO "Meet The Press" every Sunday so I can make an attempt, albeit a feeble one, to stay connected with the political world and what is going on in it. Tim Russert was a huge part of that. He was a big guy with a big voice who lived what he preached and always believed in the best of America. He was a lot like my Dad. And today, while preparing for this weekend's "Meet The Press," Tim Russert collapsed from a heart attack and died. He was 58.
As though that wasn't enough to wake up the echoes of my father, tonight I went to CNN.com and there, found a clip of Russert on "Larry King Live" talking about Big Russ and Me, the book he wrote about his father, and offering what fatherly advice he had for his son Luke. He said he wanted his son to understand that he will always be loved, but never entitled. That he had an obligation to help make the world a better place. And finally, he reminded Luke, "to whom much is given, much is expected."
That passage from the book of Luke was one of my father's favorites. My brother Jonathan and I heard it a hundred times if we heard it once. And now nine years later, it is the one thought I carry with me the most. The one heartfelt directive from my father that I try to use as my compass.
Tonight, Luke Russert's heart is breaking. He's trying to make sense of why God could possibly need his dad more than he does. And trying to comprehend that which has no reason, no logic and no satisfactory resolution. I'm sad for him. I feel for him. And on this Father's Day weekend, I hope he will find some semblance of peace and take a few minutes to focus on just how much his father loved him.
Ultimately, that is what will get him through this.
It's all we have.
"I'm Thinking Of You Luke"
Nine years ago today, Pancreatic Cancer took my Dad away from me. I still don't understand it. And it still hurts. I miss him constantly and not a day goes by that I don't have a question I wish I could ask him. Matthew was only 2 when Daddy died. And he never got a chance to meet my precious Caroline. If I think about it too hard, it still makes me angry. My Dad died on June 13, 1999. It was my Mother's birthday as it is today. He was 59.
Nobody deserves to die at 59.
It's said that time heals all wounds. I'm not sure that's true, but at very least it numbs the pain a little. The problem, I think, is that when a loved one leaves us, they are forever frozen in time the way they were the day we lost them. My father doesn't age for me. He is, and will forever be, the age, look and disposition that he was the summer before we realilzed he was sick. The difficulty is that we continue to grow. I was lucky. By the time Daddy died, we'd had pretty much every conversation we needed to have. But that was nine years ago. Since then, our family has grown, I've worked to build a career, taught Sunday School, finished three Triathlons and hopefully lived a life my father would have been proud of. I want to share those things with him. I want to hear his big booming voice again and get his perspective on everything. But I can't.
As time has passed, I have learned to deal with that frustration and found a peace with the void I have in my head and my heart. But today, my heart was again ripped open with the news of Tim Russert's death.
I've always been an ABC News guy, but always liked watching Tim Russert. I TiVO "Meet The Press" every Sunday so I can make an attempt, albeit a feeble one, to stay connected with the political world and what is going on in it. Tim Russert was a huge part of that. He was a big guy with a big voice who lived what he preached and always believed in the best of America. He was a lot like my Dad. And today, while preparing for this weekend's "Meet The Press," Tim Russert collapsed from a heart attack and died. He was 58.
As though that wasn't enough to wake up the echoes of my father, tonight I went to CNN.com and there, found a clip of Russert on "Larry King Live" talking about Big Russ and Me, the book he wrote about his father, and offering what fatherly advice he had for his son Luke. He said he wanted his son to understand that he will always be loved, but never entitled. That he had an obligation to help make the world a better place. And finally, he reminded Luke, "to whom much is given, much is expected."
That passage from the book of Luke was one of my father's favorites. My brother Jonathan and I heard it a hundred times if we heard it once. And now nine years later, it is the one thought I carry with me the most. The one heartfelt directive from my father that I try to use as my compass.
Tonight, Luke Russert's heart is breaking. He's trying to make sense of why God could possibly need his dad more than he does. And trying to comprehend that which has no reason, no logic and no satisfactory resolution. I'm sad for him. I feel for him. And on this Father's Day weekend, I hope he will find some semblance of peace and take a few minutes to focus on just how much his father loved him.
Ultimately, that is what will get him through this.
It's all we have.
posted by Michael Tuggle at 10:40 PM
2 Comments:
Michael~
I enjoyed reading the most recent and lovely piece about your father and the Russert family. I knew last Friday would be a tough day for you...and then the sad news about Russert! I know your heart must have been ripped open again as you emphathized with Luke.
Enjoy your mother's visit...hugs to you all!
Karen
Michael,
I ran across your blog a few weeks ago and have enjoyed reading your ramblings. Your writing just keeps getting better.
This story of you and your dad and the passing of Russert really hit home with me. I feel much the same way about my mom, as she raised me by herself. You're love for your Dad really comes through the words, and having worked with you, which now seems like ages ago, I know how much your family means to you.
We need to catch up soon. Go to lunch. Maybe with Vinny.
Jonathan Rice
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