THOUGHTFUL RAMBLING No. 18
“Welcome To Tug Air”
Did you hear? Starting in June, American Airlines is going to charge $15 a bag for your FIRST piece of checked luggage. Not the second. Not the 17th. The First. Which makes them the first carrier to bite that bullet. No more cramming everything you own into that mini-condo you have to ask the two men behind you to lift onto the scale at check-in. Nope, now you’re gonna pay. Add to that the 11 fare increases by the major airlines since the beginning of the year, and well, you’ve got a lot of angry, frustrated air passengers looking for answers. Which is perfect for me. It means now is the perfect time to launch my newest and most exciting business venture.
Welcome to Tug Air!
Tired of paying $1,700 for a three hour flight because you didn’t know about Tuesday’s meeting 147 days ago? Tired of long security lines at the airport, the two-hour check-in rule and the Zip-lock bags for your 3 ounce tube of toothpaste they only seem to sell in Cinnamon? Well, fret no longer! Your airline has arrived.
When you buy your ticket on Tug Air, you’ll immediately notice a huge difference. For starters, every round trip ticket is three cents a mile no matter when you buy it or where you’re going. Flying from Dallas to Atlanta, that’s 1700 miles roundtrip which means your ticket will run $51. Flying from L.A. to London, the distance is roughly 10,900 miles roundtrip so your ticket would cost $327.
One caveat – at check in, you will be required to weigh in and a surcharge of one cent per pound will be added to your ticket. On average, it’s a modest cost and before you start whining about that rule being unfair to fat people, it’s not. A) They have the same opportunity to hit a treadmill as anyone else, B) they’re heavier and therefore use a higher percentage of fuel to keep their asses in the air, and C) life’s unfair. Get a helmet.
When you check in at Tug Air, our happy, cheerful gate attendants will scan your ticket and give you a special card with your personalized bar code on it. This card is very important because it will allow you to access all the incredible amenities we provide on all our planes. Think of it as a luxury cruise at 30,000 feet. Any time you want something, just scan your card and it will be yours. Don’t think about it now. We can always settle up later on the current up to date credit card you placed on file with us when you purchased your ticket.
To start with, every passenger on Tug Air is given a solid, structurally sound stadium seat to sit on during the flight, but for a mere $9, you can upgrade to a cushioned seat that’s guaranteed to keep your butt from falling asleep and can double as a flotation device in the chance we experience engine malfunction and by some miracle, happen to hit a body of water. If you’d like to play the odds and assume we’re going to hit land, for a reasonable $247, we also offer a seat that instantly turns into a bounce house on impact.
We have an incredible menu on Tug Air that varies by the day. On Mondays, Subway provides all of our meals. On Tuesday, it’s Burger King. Wednesday is chicken fried steak day courtesy of Cracker Barrel. Thursdays we kick it Asian style with Panda Express and on Fridays, we start the weekend off right with Hot Wings from Hooters served by the Hooters girls themselves (we give the flight attendants the day off on Friday!) If you’re hungry, just scan your card on the side of your seat closest to the aisle and a little light will come on signaling you’re ready to chow. Unlike the other airlines that now charge you a ridiculous $8 for a sandwich and $5 for a bag of chips, all the food and beverages on Tug Air are absolutely FREE! In fact we encourage you to drink large quantities while in flight. It helps to keep yourself hydrated.
That said, if you have to use the facilities (and you will with all the free drinks we provide you), we have a lovely, expanded space that won’t leave you feeling cramped and crowded. To get in, just scan your card outside the door and the lock will open. Once you’re finished and ready to exit the bathroom, a computer will weigh your output in cubic liters and charge your card accordingly. It’s only four cents per milliliter and besides, if you time it right, when you flush and the little flap opens up, you’ll get an incredible view of the St. Louis Arch, the Rocky Mountains or a big fluffy cloud. All at no additional cost.
Bored on a long flight? Not a problem. At Tug Air, our staff is dedicated to making sure you enjoy your flight from beginning to end. For $2, one of our flight attendants will happily bring you a movie of your choice to play in the DVD player on the back of the seat in front of you. For $11, they’ll come play a game with you like Scrabble, Uno or 7 card Stud. In First Class, Lap dances are available for $35, but only on flights after 9 p.m.
At Tug Air, we’re shaking things up and trying to look at air travel in a whole new way. We’re dedicated to offering America the lowest fares in the business! And then counting on its obsession with instant gratification to make up the difference. Come give us a try!
Tug Air. The Mile High Experience Without Getting Screwed.
“Welcome To Tug Air”
Did you hear? Starting in June, American Airlines is going to charge $15 a bag for your FIRST piece of checked luggage. Not the second. Not the 17th. The First. Which makes them the first carrier to bite that bullet. No more cramming everything you own into that mini-condo you have to ask the two men behind you to lift onto the scale at check-in. Nope, now you’re gonna pay. Add to that the 11 fare increases by the major airlines since the beginning of the year, and well, you’ve got a lot of angry, frustrated air passengers looking for answers. Which is perfect for me. It means now is the perfect time to launch my newest and most exciting business venture.
Welcome to Tug Air!
Tired of paying $1,700 for a three hour flight because you didn’t know about Tuesday’s meeting 147 days ago? Tired of long security lines at the airport, the two-hour check-in rule and the Zip-lock bags for your 3 ounce tube of toothpaste they only seem to sell in Cinnamon? Well, fret no longer! Your airline has arrived.
When you buy your ticket on Tug Air, you’ll immediately notice a huge difference. For starters, every round trip ticket is three cents a mile no matter when you buy it or where you’re going. Flying from Dallas to Atlanta, that’s 1700 miles roundtrip which means your ticket will run $51. Flying from L.A. to London, the distance is roughly 10,900 miles roundtrip so your ticket would cost $327.
One caveat – at check in, you will be required to weigh in and a surcharge of one cent per pound will be added to your ticket. On average, it’s a modest cost and before you start whining about that rule being unfair to fat people, it’s not. A) They have the same opportunity to hit a treadmill as anyone else, B) they’re heavier and therefore use a higher percentage of fuel to keep their asses in the air, and C) life’s unfair. Get a helmet.
When you check in at Tug Air, our happy, cheerful gate attendants will scan your ticket and give you a special card with your personalized bar code on it. This card is very important because it will allow you to access all the incredible amenities we provide on all our planes. Think of it as a luxury cruise at 30,000 feet. Any time you want something, just scan your card and it will be yours. Don’t think about it now. We can always settle up later on the current up to date credit card you placed on file with us when you purchased your ticket.
To start with, every passenger on Tug Air is given a solid, structurally sound stadium seat to sit on during the flight, but for a mere $9, you can upgrade to a cushioned seat that’s guaranteed to keep your butt from falling asleep and can double as a flotation device in the chance we experience engine malfunction and by some miracle, happen to hit a body of water. If you’d like to play the odds and assume we’re going to hit land, for a reasonable $247, we also offer a seat that instantly turns into a bounce house on impact.
We have an incredible menu on Tug Air that varies by the day. On Mondays, Subway provides all of our meals. On Tuesday, it’s Burger King. Wednesday is chicken fried steak day courtesy of Cracker Barrel. Thursdays we kick it Asian style with Panda Express and on Fridays, we start the weekend off right with Hot Wings from Hooters served by the Hooters girls themselves (we give the flight attendants the day off on Friday!) If you’re hungry, just scan your card on the side of your seat closest to the aisle and a little light will come on signaling you’re ready to chow. Unlike the other airlines that now charge you a ridiculous $8 for a sandwich and $5 for a bag of chips, all the food and beverages on Tug Air are absolutely FREE! In fact we encourage you to drink large quantities while in flight. It helps to keep yourself hydrated.
That said, if you have to use the facilities (and you will with all the free drinks we provide you), we have a lovely, expanded space that won’t leave you feeling cramped and crowded. To get in, just scan your card outside the door and the lock will open. Once you’re finished and ready to exit the bathroom, a computer will weigh your output in cubic liters and charge your card accordingly. It’s only four cents per milliliter and besides, if you time it right, when you flush and the little flap opens up, you’ll get an incredible view of the St. Louis Arch, the Rocky Mountains or a big fluffy cloud. All at no additional cost.
Bored on a long flight? Not a problem. At Tug Air, our staff is dedicated to making sure you enjoy your flight from beginning to end. For $2, one of our flight attendants will happily bring you a movie of your choice to play in the DVD player on the back of the seat in front of you. For $11, they’ll come play a game with you like Scrabble, Uno or 7 card Stud. In First Class, Lap dances are available for $35, but only on flights after 9 p.m.
At Tug Air, we’re shaking things up and trying to look at air travel in a whole new way. We’re dedicated to offering America the lowest fares in the business! And then counting on its obsession with instant gratification to make up the difference. Come give us a try!
Tug Air. The Mile High Experience Without Getting Screwed.
posted by Michael Tuggle at 10:07 AM
1 Comments:
Hilarious post! I was cracking up throughout the entire thing.... great ideas- I definitely agree! Let me know if you need a business partner for the magnificent, Tug Air.
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