YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME No. 5
"In The Kitchen With Nancy"

Well, I for one, will sleep better tonight knowing that with everything facing Congress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has focused her energies on doing something truly extraordinary for America. In the midst of an impending recession, the war in Iraq, and debate over who to give tax cuts to, Nancy is busy in the kitchen overhauling the House cafeteria.

Thanks to Pelosi, instead of the cuisine Congressional members have enjoyed for decades, diners in the House cafeteria can now look forward to "locally grown, organic, seasonal and generally healthy food served in compostable sugar cane and corn starch containers instead of petroleum-based plastics." Even the knives and forks will be biodegradable. Willy Wonka goes to Washington!

I'm happy to report that with all the changes over in the House, the Senate cafeteria has stuck by its guns and will continue serving fried okra. Good thing. Last time, fried okra was up for debate, Jefferson Davis got up and walked out of the Senate and we all know how that turned out.

No more cheeseburgers, barbeque, pies and Freedom Fries. Now, if you find yourself dining in the House cafeteria, you'll have to choose between cedar plank salmon with apple cilantro relish, seared barramundi with white beans and tomatoes and sage roasted butternut squash and herb couscous.

It's all part of Pelosi's "Green the Capitol" initiative. And while many are applauding the new choices, others are already whining about the subsequent increase in cost. As Caryn Schenewerk, a staffer for Arizona House Democrat Gabrielle Giffords put it, "It's a big jump from high school cafeteria to fancy-pants gourmet. I just wish my pay had improved." Hey, Gabby - your boss makes $169,300 a year. Have her pick up a tab or two.

Of course it's not just the Dems who are critical. As one Republican aide put it, "I really don't want Nanny Nancy telling me what I can and cannot eat for lunch. If I want to eat unhealthy, I should have that choice!" Welcome to the party, kid. For the record, none of the rest of us like Nancy tellin' us what to do either. If you really want to ramp up the fun, elect Hillary or Obama President and watch while Pelosi and the rest of the Liberal electorate plays "Wheel of Fortune" with your tax obligation.

Frankly, my favorite part of the whole initiative is the recycling center for the "ecotainers" - otherwise know as biodegradable corn starch coffee cups. Apparently there are four differently shaped slots to sort the garbage with extensive directions on exactly how to do it. It's not enough that members of Congress may be late for an important vote because their pan-roasted Chesapeake rockfish with sweet potato fennel hash and yellow pepper relish was late out of the kitchen. Now we'll have a traffic jam at the recycling station because somebody's gumming up the works putting a square soup container in the round "landfill" slot and the round soup lid in the square slot for "composting."

Hey, it's only my opinion, but this just doesn't seem like the best use of time for someone who's two steps from the Presidency. Please, please tell me she has more important things to do. I don't know. I guess it's not a total waste of time. Nancy did rename the Taco Bar, "La Taqueria" and the grill, "La Plancha." Maybe she'll grab some Tapas and spend an afternoon trying to figure out immigration.