THOUGHTFUL RAMBLING No. 23

"The Pussification of America Has Its Poster Boy"

Oh my God, have we gotten soft.

The economy is threatening depression. Wall Street is down 4,000 points since my birthday. The thieves who ran Countrywide Financial into the ground with bad mortgages are now making millions by buying those same bad mortgages from the government for pennies on the dollar. Panel reports out today suggest Iran could have nuclear weapons in less than a year potentially rendering the whole Israel conversation eternally mute, and Nancy Pelosi is still running the House. We're in a world of hurt, people! Yet, every time I turn on the TV or the radio or the computer, all I hear about is the idiot Bachelor!

Was Monday night's shocking breakup with Melissa a traumatic blow to the national psyche? Will they ever get over the hurt and humiliation? How could ABC allow such a train wreck to happen? Don't you feel horrible for all involved? No. Not just no. Hell, No! Not remotely. Women's groups have come under fire for calling Jason Mesnick a douche. Why? A) They're the only ones really qualified to make the comparison, and B) he is one. While we're at it, he's a whore too.

Jason Mesnick just got to live every man's fantasy - 25 beautiful women, all into him, all at the same time, all willing to do just about anything to reach the next round of the tournament. Talk about a kid in a candy store. It was like Miss America for a judge of one and guess what - at the end, he didn't even HAVE to pick a winner. Or, in his case, he picked TWO winners. Maybe he just got used to kissing mulitple "soulmates" at the same time. If he really wanted to shake things up, he should have asked Melissa and Molly for a three-way. Of course, that would only happen on E!

Before we all get caught up in the pity party for "The Bachelor's" final trio, consider this: the three of them knew exactly what they were getting into and the odds of finding their lobster only going on sporadic dates in a six week period. AND in the process, they got to spend six all expenses paid weeks in an L.A. mansion, they got to go on once-in-a-lifetime adventures you and I couldn't touch for five figures. They got to eat the best food and see the best stuff. And when all of that was finished, they went to NEW ZEALAND FOR TWO WEEKS WITH THE ENTIRE MESNICK FAMILY because apparently, L.A. is no longer schwanky enough.

In the end, Jason had to choose one or the other, just as he had known he'd have to do from the very beginning. And when he finally chose and put Molly in the limo, he cried like a five year old who just found out Santa is her alcoholic uncle Larry. Hey nutless! Put on a helmet and let's play ball, huh? Melissa is smokin! Ready to be your everything and has six weeks of pent up Dallas Cowboy cheerleader moves to unleash on your pansy ass so pick it up! But no! They couldn't even get that right. And what did they have to do for all this heartache? Commit to keeping the outcome quiet over the holidays. Well, Boo Friggin' Hoo!

If you ask me, I think it's high time we freshen up the whole "Bachelor" concept with a real twist. When the 25 bachelors get to the mansion to meet Jillian in the fall, I say we throw their asses in an Army Cargo plane and make 'em parachute out for "The Bachelorette - Micronesia!" Let's combine "The Bachelor" and "Survivor" and let these people prove they can actually do something like survive in the wild. Screw the Vera Wang gowns and Bill Blass tuxedos. Put the Harry Winston necklaces back in the vault, park the damn helicopter and fire the personal chef. Let's see these guys eat nothing but grubs and tree bark for a month without their Teeth Whitening Crest with the mouthwash chaser and see how fast the Bachelorette pulls the cheek turn maneuver when tonsil hockey comes up on the menu?

Don't feel bad for Jason the whore. Don't feel bad for Melissa the jilted. And six months from now when you see Molly on the cover of US Weekly with the headline "What happened?" don't waste a second of pity on her either. They got their 15 minutes. They got their money. They got to go to New Zealand on ABC's dime! You want to feel bad for somebody? Feel bad for your grandchildren and great grandchildren who are going to suffocate under the Trillions of dollars Congress and President Obama are about to hang around our necks like a two-ton millstone.

But alas, that's another blog for another day.