YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME No. 3
"You Go Jesse"

I'd like to be the first person to congratulate Jesse Jackson. After nearly 50 years as the Right Reverend of Civil Rights, Presidential hopeful and Corporate Terrorist, Jesse Jackson has finally found his true calling and the issue that will forever cement his legacy.

According to Jesse, the Atlanta Braves don't have enough African-American players on the team. Apparently this is such a problem, it required a meeting last week between Joe Beasley, Southern Regional Director of the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition and Braves GM John Schuerholz, Director of Sports Dexter Clinksdale, Assistant GM Frank Wren and three other Braves officials. Forget the fact the team is about a quarter Hispanic, there are too many white guys and only one African-American on the roster.

Thank God somebody is finally making a stink about this. For too long, clubs in Major League Baseball have been able to field their teams based on completely unfair criteria like speed, eye-hand coordination, and the ability to hit, field and pitch. For too long, teams like the Braves have put way to much emphasis on talent and it's time for a change.

When challenged with this obvious discrimination, Schuerholz countered, "You go where the talent leads you. Finding major-league calibre baseball players is far too difficult if you try to narrow your criteria down to demographics."

"As I expected," Beasley said. "[His] idea is the bottom line: I'll put the best 40 men I can get wherever I can get them from on the field, and that's fair. But the fact of the matter is, if they put resources into recruiting here in the United States, and more specifically here in Atlanta, there are talented players here."

Ah, talented. Not necessarily the best. Just talented -- oh, and black. Don't forget that. And how great is that for the rest of us? I mean, I've harbored dreams of playing for the Atlanta Braves since I was a little boy. If Jesse and his boys can bully the Braves into choosing a player based solely on the fact that he's black, the slot for overweight, undertall writers with a marginal ability to hit can't be far behind, right? When you think about it, it's just as arbitrary as being black.

Tomorrow, I'm going to write Jesse a thank you note for swinging that door wide for me. I'm also going to suggest a few new places he can apply this incredible pressure to right a few more disgraceful wrongs in the world of sports.

Where are all the eskimos in hockey? They live relatively close to Canada. They're good on ice. There should be a couple on every NHL team.

We need more white guys starting in the NBA. And while we're at it, let's make sure they're Americans dammit. Don't give me the last three NBA MVPs have been white guys. Steve Nash is Canadian and Dirk Nowitzski is German. That doesn't count.

I'd like to see Japanese Sumos get recruited for the New York Marathon. I want to see Paris Hilton get a shot on BassMasters, and I'd like to see a new group of exotic animals get the chance to run the Kentucky Derby. Maybe a giraffe, a pygmy hippo and a cheetah.

Personally, I think it's great what Jesse is doing. I just think it's selfish of him to restrict his influence to black players and baseball when there are so many more people who could benefit from his vision for equality.

We'll see. Right now, I heading for the batting cages for a little BP.