YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME No. 2
"O.J., Dr. Freud. Dr. Freud, O.J."
According to AP reports, Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former Heisman Trophy winner/NFL Rushing Leader/Hall of Famer/Cold-blooded murderer discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and Ronald Goldman had he in fact, committed the crimes.
The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29 , a few days before Simpson's book If I Did It hits bookstores. Today, I heard a journalist ask whether anyone thinks the interview is simply a transparent confession. Transparent? This thing makes Saran Wrap look like a lead shield.
My first reaction was to feel for the Browns and the Goldmans having to again live through the circus O.J.'s callous hypotheticals will inevitably produce. Next, my empathy turned to anger at Fox and at Judith Regan, Simpson's publisher, for enabling this ridiculous freakshow. It's heartless, exploitive and smacks of desperation on a number of fronts. At least that's what I thought.
Now that I've had a few days to really think about it, I think I understand what O.J. is trying to do. He's not a media whore. He's actually doing a public service for each of us. It's not prostitution. It's a paradigm shift in telling the truth. Think how great this is going to be when everyone catches on.
Mr. Bonds, have you ever used Steroids?
Absolutely not. But if I had, I can tell you how I would have done it. First, I'd find a dealer... I mean a medical consultant, with the connections to get the really good drugs from Mexico that make you really big, really fast. Next, I'd start dropping needles like a Georgia pine in October. And since I get paid $22 million a year to hit a baseball, I could afford to hire someone to actually give me the injections so I had plausible deniability when asked if I've ever given myself a shot. Each morning, I'd blend up a Steroid Smoothie with some bananas, blueberries and Cortizone. Then to relax after practice, I'd knock back a couple of Human Growth Hormone shots with a horse testosterone chaser and then just to be safe, I'd rub steroid cream all over my ass. If any of my tests come back positive, I'll just say it's a crazy mix of vitamins and supplements and deny the whole thing...theoretically.
Mr. President did you have sexual relations with your intern?
I did not, have... sexual relations with that woman. But if I had, I can sure tell you how that would have gone down. First, you've got to have a full humidor of Cuban cigars, a couple of bottles of mango cinnamon massage oil and one of those hanging slingshot chairs that fit perfectly on the four-poster in the Lincoln bedroom...
The truth.
The truth is, I've had about all I can stand of the truth. At least O.J.'s version of it. I'll risk the Scurvy. I've had enough Juice.
O.J. Simpson couldn't have more blood on his hands if he was Pilate. He knows it and we know it. The book and the interview are all about publicity, all about money and all about ego. Freud would have had a field day with this thing.
I just hope the rest of us have the good sense to watch anything else.
"O.J., Dr. Freud. Dr. Freud, O.J."
According to AP reports, Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former Heisman Trophy winner/NFL Rushing Leader/Hall of Famer/Cold-blooded murderer discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and Ronald Goldman had he in fact, committed the crimes.
The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29 , a few days before Simpson's book If I Did It hits bookstores. Today, I heard a journalist ask whether anyone thinks the interview is simply a transparent confession. Transparent? This thing makes Saran Wrap look like a lead shield.
My first reaction was to feel for the Browns and the Goldmans having to again live through the circus O.J.'s callous hypotheticals will inevitably produce. Next, my empathy turned to anger at Fox and at Judith Regan, Simpson's publisher, for enabling this ridiculous freakshow. It's heartless, exploitive and smacks of desperation on a number of fronts. At least that's what I thought.
Now that I've had a few days to really think about it, I think I understand what O.J. is trying to do. He's not a media whore. He's actually doing a public service for each of us. It's not prostitution. It's a paradigm shift in telling the truth. Think how great this is going to be when everyone catches on.
Mr. Bonds, have you ever used Steroids?
Absolutely not. But if I had, I can tell you how I would have done it. First, I'd find a dealer... I mean a medical consultant, with the connections to get the really good drugs from Mexico that make you really big, really fast. Next, I'd start dropping needles like a Georgia pine in October. And since I get paid $22 million a year to hit a baseball, I could afford to hire someone to actually give me the injections so I had plausible deniability when asked if I've ever given myself a shot. Each morning, I'd blend up a Steroid Smoothie with some bananas, blueberries and Cortizone. Then to relax after practice, I'd knock back a couple of Human Growth Hormone shots with a horse testosterone chaser and then just to be safe, I'd rub steroid cream all over my ass. If any of my tests come back positive, I'll just say it's a crazy mix of vitamins and supplements and deny the whole thing...theoretically.
Mr. President did you have sexual relations with your intern?
I did not, have... sexual relations with that woman. But if I had, I can sure tell you how that would have gone down. First, you've got to have a full humidor of Cuban cigars, a couple of bottles of mango cinnamon massage oil and one of those hanging slingshot chairs that fit perfectly on the four-poster in the Lincoln bedroom...
The truth.
The truth is, I've had about all I can stand of the truth. At least O.J.'s version of it. I'll risk the Scurvy. I've had enough Juice.
O.J. Simpson couldn't have more blood on his hands if he was Pilate. He knows it and we know it. The book and the interview are all about publicity, all about money and all about ego. Freud would have had a field day with this thing.
I just hope the rest of us have the good sense to watch anything else.
posted by Michael Tuggle at 6:00 PM
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