YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME No. 5
"In The Kitchen With Nancy"

Well, I for one, will sleep better tonight knowing that with everything facing Congress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has focused her energies on doing something truly extraordinary for America. In the midst of an impending recession, the war in Iraq, and debate over who to give tax cuts to, Nancy is busy in the kitchen overhauling the House cafeteria.

Thanks to Pelosi, instead of the cuisine Congressional members have enjoyed for decades, diners in the House cafeteria can now look forward to "locally grown, organic, seasonal and generally healthy food served in compostable sugar cane and corn starch containers instead of petroleum-based plastics." Even the knives and forks will be biodegradable. Willy Wonka goes to Washington!

I'm happy to report that with all the changes over in the House, the Senate cafeteria has stuck by its guns and will continue serving fried okra. Good thing. Last time, fried okra was up for debate, Jefferson Davis got up and walked out of the Senate and we all know how that turned out.

No more cheeseburgers, barbeque, pies and Freedom Fries. Now, if you find yourself dining in the House cafeteria, you'll have to choose between cedar plank salmon with apple cilantro relish, seared barramundi with white beans and tomatoes and sage roasted butternut squash and herb couscous.

It's all part of Pelosi's "Green the Capitol" initiative. And while many are applauding the new choices, others are already whining about the subsequent increase in cost. As Caryn Schenewerk, a staffer for Arizona House Democrat Gabrielle Giffords put it, "It's a big jump from high school cafeteria to fancy-pants gourmet. I just wish my pay had improved." Hey, Gabby - your boss makes $169,300 a year. Have her pick up a tab or two.

Of course it's not just the Dems who are critical. As one Republican aide put it, "I really don't want Nanny Nancy telling me what I can and cannot eat for lunch. If I want to eat unhealthy, I should have that choice!" Welcome to the party, kid. For the record, none of the rest of us like Nancy tellin' us what to do either. If you really want to ramp up the fun, elect Hillary or Obama President and watch while Pelosi and the rest of the Liberal electorate plays "Wheel of Fortune" with your tax obligation.

Frankly, my favorite part of the whole initiative is the recycling center for the "ecotainers" - otherwise know as biodegradable corn starch coffee cups. Apparently there are four differently shaped slots to sort the garbage with extensive directions on exactly how to do it. It's not enough that members of Congress may be late for an important vote because their pan-roasted Chesapeake rockfish with sweet potato fennel hash and yellow pepper relish was late out of the kitchen. Now we'll have a traffic jam at the recycling station because somebody's gumming up the works putting a square soup container in the round "landfill" slot and the round soup lid in the square slot for "composting."

Hey, it's only my opinion, but this just doesn't seem like the best use of time for someone who's two steps from the Presidency. Please, please tell me she has more important things to do. I don't know. I guess it's not a total waste of time. Nancy did rename the Taco Bar, "La Taqueria" and the grill, "La Plancha." Maybe she'll grab some Tapas and spend an afternoon trying to figure out immigration.

POTUS No. 1
"I Never Liked Lucy"

Look at "Peanuts" cartoons from the past 50 years and some very clear pictures emerge. Snoopy is the ultimate optimist. Charlie Brown is the conscience - the whipping post who ultimately finds a way to survive. Linus is sensitive reason. Schroeder? An unwavering advocate for the Arts. Sally represents hope and the belief in true love. And Lucy? Lucy is just a pain in the ass.

I've just spent the last 3 hours watching the New Hampshire Republican and Democratic debates on ABC and I'm now ready to say what I've thought for a while now. I wasn't always sure, but after tonight's performance, I'm convinced.

Hillary Clinton will NOT get the Democratic nomination for President and here's why - she's Lucy! And people don't like Lucy. She's arrogant, she's condescending and she throws out insults like Mardi Gras beads in a topless bar. Yet as smart as she is, ironically, she can't figure out why people think she's completely annoying.

Just two days after the vote in Iowa where she finished third behind Barack Obama and John Edwards, Hillary seems increasingly agitated that she's no longer the center of attention. At one point during tonight's debate, Edwards and Obama (who are clearly now uniting against her) were discussing something when she interrupted and started literally yelling about everything she's done. "I did this!" she said. "And I did that! I have experience. I've actually gotten things done!" It was such a tantrum moment, I almost expected her to stand up and stomp her feet and say, "Dammit, listen to me! Why is no one listening to me!"

When Edwards and Obama began talking from the heart about what drives them and why they believe what they do, she interrupted again with her sarcastic cackle and said, "I'm sorry, can we please have a reality check here!" I'm telling you, the woman is Lucy.

Her camp calls her responses "tough." That's spin. Maybe it's just me, but every time I hear her speak, especially in a debate situation, she just has this understated arrogance like she truly believes everyone else at the table is an idiot. Oh, she smiles while she's talking, and sometimes when she's listening. But you know what? You'll see a lot of teeth on a Great White too, right before they eat you.

It remains to be seen how this all plays out and I could be completely wrong about Mrs. Clinton. But I don't think so. We as a nation, cannot, and I think will not, elect someone who we fundamentally do not like. I think Hillary's disingenuine and I think she's clearly the beneficiary of having been married to one of the slickest Presidents ever.

You know what else? I bet she's really, really good at yanking away a football.

Hillary Clinton as President of the United States? Good Grief!

HERE'S WHAT I WANT No. 1
"Let's Get It Together People"

I've decided I want 2008 to be an extremely proactive year with seismic progress in a number of areas in my life. And as such, I've decided to forgo the whole list of New Year's resolutions - the annual list of wishes that have as much chance of seeing May as the Olsen Twins do of winning The Biggest Loser. Gone are anemic wishes like "Alphabetize the CDs," "Drink more Water" and "Pay more attention to the dog." Instead, I'm skipping straight to a list of things I want for the coming year. Some I have control over. Some I don't. But at very least, this is my stake in the ground to say 2008 is going to be very different. These are the 10 things I want for the coming year.

1. I want 2008 to be my year of fitness, physically, mentally, spritually and financically. First, I want to get back to a healthy fighting weight and finish 5 Triathlons. Ginger has never seen me weigh less than the day we got married. This year, she will. Mentally, I want to clear my head and make room for better, smarter, inspired thinking both at work and in my writing. It is high time to clear out the clutter. Spiritually, I want to continue finding my place in the world and what I'm supposed to be doing to help it. Financially, I want to continue getting more disciplined understanding that what I want and need are two completely different things.

2. I want Rudy Giuliani to be the next President of the United States. And I want you to want him too. That said, I know people have the candidate they believe in. But somewhere in this process, in what's been touted as the "most negative campaign cycle in history," I want people to choose our next President based on the stories, not the headlines and sound bites. For instance, the Right pounds Rudy for not being Pro-Life, yet he's the only person in the race who has ever done a damn thing to stop abortions from happening. While Mayor of New York City, he reduced abortions by 16% and increased adoptions by 133%. But nobody wants to talk about that. Rudy's sensible. He's smart. He's self-effacing. And most of all, I believe he's real. If you're willing, take 5 minutes and read his commitments to America. They changed my mind. They could change yours. www.joinrudy2008.com/issues/

3. I want Hillary Clinton as far away from the White House as she can get. And while she's at it, she can take Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer and Harry Reid with her. They can all sail away to their own special island to debate the merits of raising taxes, wasteful spending, ridiculous earmarks like a $223 million Alaskan bridge that serves 50 people, citizenship for illegal aliens, insulting our armed forces and vitriolic finger pointing. I believe in my heart that Hillary Clinton is pathological and on one of the greatest power trips we've ever seen. She' s in this for herself and her place in history. Not for you. Not for me. And she's not alone. This year, Congressional approval ratings dipped into single digits. Single! As in less than 10%! I'm perfectly fine with debate and disagreement, but rational thought, civility and a commitment to actually getting something positive done needs to be reconciled in Washington.

4. I want the news outlets to understand that Britney, Lindsay, Paris, Little Kardashian and all the other spoiled pole dancer starter kits are not news and don't need to be front page whenever they get kicked out of rehab or end up drunk at the hospital. I don't give a shit! And my guess is, most people don't either. I know news companies are struggling to compete with quicker more entertaining outlets for information. But stop catering to the lowest common denominator. No one needs to know that Jenna Jamison is unhappy with her Vaginaplasty! Did you know she had one last year and was depressed because it didn't go so well? I don't care that it's become the Tommy John surgery of the Porn world, it's not front page news. But this summer, on ABC News.com, it was. So was the story about adult film star/California Gubernatorial candidate Marey Carey auctioning her breast implants on eBay. Apparently, when her cup size went from a D to a DDD, she had an epiphany about how to turn her D into $. Granted, she pledged to give 20% of the proceeds to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, but seriously. Front page news? The fact that a porn star's used implants sold for over $17,000 online doesn 't make the story newsworthy enough to be in ABC.com's top 5 news stories of the day. You want to do a profile on the sad son of a bitch who bought them and gave them to his wife for Christmas? Maybe. But ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX - in the name of Peter Jennings and all that is holy, please renew your commitment to making the news straight and boring again like it was when I was a kid. You can bet your ass you never would have heard Walter Cronkite reporting on Vaginaplasty!

5. I want the BCS geniuses to finally pull their head out and realize we have to have some form of tournament to determine the national champion in college football. Following the Dawgs ass-whipping of Hawaii in the Sugar Bowl last week, we now stand with 11 wins, 2 losses. So does USC. And LSU. And Missouri. And West Virginia. After LSU beats up on Ohio State next week, they'll have two losses too. And the result of that game, won't make LSU the best team in the country. Just the one with the best timing. Georgia is as good as any team in the country. Unfortunately, there's no playoff for us to prove it. If ever there was an argument for a playoff, this year was it.

6. I want the writers in Hollywood to stay on strike for the entire year. That way all the players in the controversy will have 12 more months to realize we really don't care and will find other ways to be entertained. I understand the beef the writers have and it's justified. I also understand that the movie and TV producers don't want to open Pandora's box. But wouldn't giving a little and getting back to work be better for everyone? When SAG struck in 2000, that went on for months and those of us in the commercial business had to find other alternatives and you know what? We did. Many went to Canada to shoot and still do. Talent agencies, catering companies, voice talent agencies all went out of business. And this summer, SAG is set to strike again in June over many of the same issues now driving the writers strike. If these people can't learn from history, they are absolutely doomed to repeat it. And when it's all over, they might just realize that making 5 times the salary of the average American to write, ain't that bad.

7. I want somebody to step up and beat Tiger Woods when it matters. I love Tiger. I think he's incredibly talented, but this is getting boring.

8. I want somebody to come up with a sensible solution to health care. (I said sensible Mitt and Hillary. Sit down!) It drives me batshit that with all the smart people in this country, we can't figure this out. Admittedly, health care is the proverbial Gordian Knot with doctors, lawyers, insurance companies, hospitals, pharmaceutical companies, government and patients all contributing to the issues. But until someone sits down and earnestly looks at all the sides, all the jacked up entanglements, and truthfully, what will work for the greater good, this is one Rubik's Cube that will never be solved. Health care can be fixed. It just needs fresh eyes and fresh blood. Anybody want to fund me for a two-year sabbatical? I'll take a crack at it.

9. I want to add at least 25 postings to my blog this year. No excuses. When I feel compelled to write about something, I need to sit down and write about it. Blogging is an "in the moment" kind of thing. When I wait, it's too late. No telling what they'll be about. But along with way, we'll try to have some fun, be a bit provocative and hopefully do some smart thinking.

10. I want to have one really smart idea and see it through to finish by this time next year. (And no, bagging resolutions for 2008 doesn't count.)

That's about it. Have a great new year!