THOUGHTFUL RAMBLING No. 2
"Lactose Intolerance"

It's happening everywhere and apparently, I missed it again.

Last week on a Freedom Airlines flight (ironically), a woman was asked to leave the plane because she refused to cover up while breast-feeding her baby.

Two days later, Barbara Walters made a comment on ABC's "The View" that a woman sitting next to her on a flight also failed to cover up while breast-feeding and that it had made her very uncomfortable. Walters' comments were not taken well. The next morning 200 "lactivists" held a "nurse-in" outside the ABC studios breast-feeding their babies right there in front of God and everybody on Columbus Avenue and West 67th Street in Manhattan.

Lactivists? Nurse-ins? Did I miss a meeting?

When did the apparent epidemic thrashing of nursing mothers take on the need for an organized movement? Are there really that many Moms out there getting Hester Prynned for breast-feeding in public? Are they really being ridiculed en masse? I'm not buying it.

Coast to coast, you can breastfeed at Burger King with their blessing. Ditto for Starbucks. Granted, it took a letter writing campaign and www.nurseatstarbucks.com to get it done, but hey, they got their wish and as the site says, "What could possibly go better with coffee than milk?"

I recognize there are a number of people who are uncomfortable with the idea of a baby suckling in public. In interviews and Internet discussions, hundreds of women recount being asked to stop nursing in public spots, including the Children's Museum in Huntsville, Alabama; a knitting store in the East Village; a Radisson Hotel lobby in Virginia; a public bus in Los Angeles; and a city commission meeting in Miami Beach. A city commission meeting! I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's where the phrase, "No titties! Just good government!" came from.

Come on. Isn't this much ado about nothing on everyone's part? Does this really require a mobilization?

Nursing Moms - understand not everyone wants to see you nursing your baby. While by law, we recognize you have the right to nurse wherever you'd like to, it wouldn't kill you to realize discretion is the better part of valor. Defensive Moms say draping a blanket over the baby makes it hot for them, but come on. They just spent 40 weeks on a waterbed set at 98.6 degrees. They'll be fine. And one more thing, if you're nursing a baby in public and we happen to look, you cannot get mad about it. I don't know about the women, but I can speak for the guys -- while we're conditioned by our mothers not to look at naked breasts in unexpected places, genetics render that physically impossible. We'll try not to stare, but understand it's a little like finding $50 on the street. It almost never happens, but when it does, it's kind of a bonus!

Everyone Else - Lighten up. If you've ever been a new parent, you know how overwhelming the whole process is anyway. You're tired. You're frustrated. You're totally hormonal. And that's just the dads. Whether it's your first kid or your last, a new baby is overwhelming and new parents need all the love and support they can get. If you haven't been a parent, trust me, we need your patience. When our kids are loud. When our kids are sitting around you on a plane. And yes, when our wives take a break from total seclusion to venture into public with totally engorged breasts that are physically uncomfortable and have to feed the baby. It's unfair to ask them to go nurse in the bathroom and even worse to simply be an ass about it. I get it. Mobile milk bars aren't your thing. But would it kill you to exercise a little tolerance? Is a baby sucking a naked breast really going to bring down Democracy as we know it? No.

Call me a boob, but I've got no problem with women nursing wherever they want. Not one has ever flaunted what they were trying to do, or made me feel uncomfortable or angry in any way. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the Milk Nazis who chastised my wife for months for NOT nursing our children.

But hey, that's another story.

THE DEATH OF COMMON SENSE No. 2
"Potwhoppers with Cheese and the Death of Personal Responsibility"

On October 8 in Los Lunas, New Mexico, three Burger King employees ages 19, 21 and 33 allegedly served hamburgers laced with marijuana to two police officers with the Isleta Pueblo tribal police force. According to the lawsuit that's now been filed, the officers ate about half of their burgers before discovering the marijuana in the meat. After a field test kit confirmed there was indeed pot in the hamburgers, the police officers proceeded to the hospital for medical evaluation.

The three Burger King employees were arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and aggravated battery to an officer which is a felony. That's where is should have stopped.

Now, a lawsuit has been filed against Burger King by attorney Sam Bregman. The lawsuit seeks punitive and compensatory damages to be determined at trial, along with legal costs. The lawsuit alleges personal injury, negligence, battery and violation of fair practices. According to Bregman, "[The officers] lives were placed in danger because of these idiots and Burger King."

Idiots? Yes. Burger King? I don't think so.

Three stoners, or more likely, two stoners and a manager with the misfortune of doing something other than watching Dumb and Dumber orchestrate the drive through, serve two cops Whoppers laced with drugs. Now, I'm not the lawyer in the family, but I think I could win that one at trial. After all, our country and our judicial system are all about the pursuit of truth and assigning personal responsibility, right? This is easy. You've got two idiots who are A) dumb enough to smoke pot, B) dumb enough to bring it to work, and C) dumb enough to find humor in serving Potwhoppers with Cheese to uniformed cops in a marked police car. These geniuses are 19 and 21 and still serving fries with that. We're not talking Mensa here. Put their asses under the jail. I could care less.

What bothers me is Burger King is being sued. For millions, I promise you. And why? Because they're guilty. Guilty of having very deep pockets and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Two idiots made a critically bad decision and now it's time for a bunch of lawyers to hit the lottery. Even if Burger King settles out of court, which they probably will to avoid the bad PR and protracted costs of the lawsuit, a third of six zeroes is still a lot of cash. Unfortunately, for the rest of the Burger King system, it's also a whole lot of burgers.

Burger King's not responsible for this. Unless you can show me the paragraph in the french fry handbook that suggests it would be funny to serve drugs in the food, it's not their fault. Unless you can show me surveillance footage of "The King," as creepy as he is, chopping up a a blunt and sprinkling it on top of the Whopper in question, back off. Even if you can prove the manager knew about the tainted burgers and still served them, that has nothing to do with Burger King. That has to do with the manager.

According to their website, Burger King operates more than 11,000 restaurants in 65 countries around the world. More than 90% are owned by individual franchisees, in many cases, families who have owned their restaurants for generations. Please explain to me why those people are more responsible for this than the idiots who served the burgers. Why? Because they don't make $6.15 an hour.

Sadly, fast food and the death of common sense have become strange, but frequent, bedfellows. Just ask McDonald's who lived through not just one, but two of the most riduculous lawsuits in the history of ever. First, an old woman sued the golden arches after she was burned by a cup of hot coffee she put between her legs while driving. Forget that McDonald's menu says "Hot Coffee." Forget that every car on the planet has multiple drink holders. Forget that in a survey of 1,000 Eskimoes, Sherpas from Mount Everest and North Pole elves, not one said the crotch was a good place to put a cup of hot liquid while driving a car. But still, this was McDonald's fault.

It was also McDonald's fault that a bunch of 15-year-old girls in New York got fat. Not, teenage girl, "oh, my God I look so fat in these jeans" fat. We're talking Grand Champion Sumo, Jenny Craig "Before" pictures fat. We're talking 350 large. And it was McDonald's responsibility. The lawsuit said so. Apparently, there was no place for personal responsibility on the part of these girls who were Supersizing up to 5 times a day, every day. No discussion of the parents asleep at the switch. Nope. These cases of morbid obesity were McDonald's fault. And now, there are others looking to get fat at the expense of another fast food giant.

We'll see what happens. Personally, I've lost my appetite.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME No. 2
"O.J., Dr. Freud. Dr. Freud, O.J."

According to AP reports, Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former Heisman Trophy winner/NFL Rushing Leader/Hall of Famer/Cold-blooded murderer discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and Ronald Goldman had he in fact, committed the crimes.

The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29 , a few days before Simpson's book If I Did It hits bookstores. Today, I heard a journalist ask whether anyone thinks the interview is simply a transparent confession. Transparent? This thing makes Saran Wrap look like a lead shield.

My first reaction was to feel for the Browns and the Goldmans having to again live through the circus O.J.'s callous hypotheticals will inevitably produce. Next, my empathy turned to anger at Fox and at Judith Regan, Simpson's publisher, for enabling this ridiculous freakshow. It's heartless, exploitive and smacks of desperation on a number of fronts. At least that's what I thought.

Now that I've had a few days to really think about it, I think I understand what O.J. is trying to do. He's not a media whore. He's actually doing a public service for each of us. It's not prostitution. It's a paradigm shift in telling the truth. Think how great this is going to be when everyone catches on.

Mr. Bonds, have you ever used Steroids?

Absolutely not. But if I had, I can tell you how I would have done it. First, I'd find a dealer... I mean a medical consultant, with the connections to get the really good drugs from Mexico that make you really big, really fast. Next, I'd start dropping needles like a Georgia pine in October. And since I get paid $22 million a year to hit a baseball, I could afford to hire someone to actually give me the injections so I had plausible deniability when asked if I've ever given myself a shot. Each morning, I'd blend up a Steroid Smoothie with some bananas, blueberries and Cortizone. Then to relax after practice, I'd knock back a couple of Human Growth Hormone shots with a horse testosterone chaser and then just to be safe, I'd rub steroid cream all over my ass. If any of my tests come back positive, I'll just say it's a crazy mix of vitamins and supplements and deny the whole thing...theoretically.

Mr. President did you have sexual relations with your intern?

I did not, have... sexual relations with that woman. But if I had, I can sure tell you how that would have gone down. First, you've got to have a full humidor of Cuban cigars, a couple of bottles of mango cinnamon massage oil and one of those hanging slingshot chairs that fit perfectly on the four-poster in the Lincoln bedroom...

The truth.

The truth is, I've had about all I can stand of the truth. At least O.J.'s version of it. I'll risk the Scurvy. I've had enough Juice.

O.J. Simpson couldn't have more blood on his hands if he was Pilate. He knows it and we know it. The book and the interview are all about publicity, all about money and all about ego. Freud would have had a field day with this thing.

I just hope the rest of us have the good sense to watch anything else.

THOUGHTFUL RAMBLING No. 1
"Humility, Thy Name Is Blue Dot"

First of all, thank you all for coming this morning. I've called this brief press conference to officially announce my retirement from non-competitive D-League neighborhood softball. After going 0-17 over the past two seasons and getting run-ruled all but two games this season (I'd like to thank "Midlife Crisis" for forfeiting Game 1 and "Juggs" for playing with 8 players and a 12-year old girl in Game 6), I've decided it's time to hang up my spikes. I've truly enjoyed my 15-year career of Ad League, Church League and D-League softball, but after lengthy discussions with my wife, my family and my agent, I think now is the perfect time to say goodbye.

Now if there are any questions, I'll be more than happy to answer them.

Frank Deford, Sports Illustrated. Mr. Tuggle, is there any truth to the rumor injuries played a role in your retirement?

Not at all. I will say this season has been a little tougher on me than normal. I did turn 40 during the season and Monday mornings did bring their share of aches and pains. When the team of Middle Eastern guys we played in Week 4 did a Louisville Slugger jihad on my left calf, I'll admit I was hobbled for a couple of days. The guys in the outfield said when the ball hit my leg they thought they heard bone. It left a pretty nasty bruise, but my 9-year-old thought it was pretty cool-looking. Even when I got tagged on the right knee two weeks later, I never went on injured reserve and in both instances, I still threw the guy out at first. I'm pretty proud of that.

Jim Nantz, CBS Sports. Now that you're retiring, is it true you plan to focus more attention on your golf?

Yes, that's true.

For clarification, does that mean you're going to play more golf or simply nap through more of the PGA laid out on your sofa on Sunday afternoons?

Yes.

Mr. Tuggle, Dick Enberg, NBC Sports. One final question, when you look back over your career, what's the one memory you'll remember more than any other?

Dick, I've had the pleasure to play with some incredible teams and some truly great teammates over the years. I will miss pulling my groin on a near weekly basis. I will miss getting my ass handed to me by a bunch of arrogant, roided out high school kids on summer break from the baseball team who thought it was fun to taunt my teammates and me but who, thanks to all that is just and holy in the world, will still be working the drivethrough 5 years from now. I'll miss dropping the perfect strike right over the back of the plate with a 3-2 count and the bases loaded. I'll miss catching the occasional linedrive drilled right at me with my head turned the other way. I'll miss snagging a hard hit grounder, looking back the runner at third and nailing the guy running to first by two steps. Mostly, I'll miss bringing my son to the games and listening to him pepper my teammates with encouragement like "Show 'em what you're made of," "Take it to 'em" and "Give 'em the heater!" when we're down 27-3.

Good luck next season boys! Hit 'em where they ain't! I'll be in the stands cheering you on. Or at very least, at home on the sofa dreaming of a decisive victory!

DAWG BLOG No. 2
"All In The Family"

My dad was the biggest Auburn Tigers fan I ever met. When he died, the Auburn Alumni club ran an ad in the Dalton paper saying how much they'd miss him. That's saying a little something.

In 1956, after an upbringing in Queens, New York, my father moved to Birmingham, Alabama for his senior year of high school. He left his beloved Yankees. He left the grandmother who'd raised him. He left everything he'd ever known and came 1,000 miles south to a place where people called him a Yankee, where teachers put him in remedial English when they couldn't understand his thick Northern accent and where other kids ridiculed him in many of the ways they did those still relegated to the back of the bus.

My grandfather never went to college. I'm not sure anyone in our family before him ever did either. But in 1957, at age 16, my father matriculated as a freshman at Auburn University. An avid sports fan, it didn't take long for him to embrace the passion of SEC football. Four months later, Auburn won their first national championship under Coach Shug Jordan and the die was cast. From that day forward, my father bled orange and blue. He also met my mother there. I think that had something to do with it too.

When we built the house I grew up in, my dad had our basement finished out into a gameroom -- with orange carpet. He bought a pool table and had a Tiffany-style lamp made to hang over it with the Tiger Mascot, the Auburn AU and "Joe Tuggle's Auburn Tigers" down the side. A rug that said "An Auburn Tiger Lives Here" hung on one wall with various pictures of Tigers, Eagles and framed 8"x 10"s of David Langer and the 1972 "17-16 Punt, Bama, Punt" scoreboard on the other.

In retrospect, the basement bathroom must have been the one room in our house where my mother wasn't given an opinion. The linoleum on the floor, was a repeating geometric pattern of orange, blue and white. The wallpaper was also orange, blue and white but with repeating illustrations of Tigers playing football, baseball, basketball, golf and running track. It was truly overwhelming. But the coup de grace was the carved wooden toilet seat cover featuring the snarling tiger. Auburn at the back of the bowl, Tigers at the front.

Like I said, my father was the biggest Auburn Tigers fan I ever met. And by relation, my brother and I bled orange and blue too. We lived for trips once a fall to an Auburn game in the loveliest village on the plain. We shared in the Saturday Fall ritual of watching daddy squirm in his "big chair" watching Auburn try to put a game away. Begging the Saturday after every Thanksgiving to put a whuppin' on those bastards from Tuscaloosa.

We hated Alabama. And we hated Florida. But for some reason, we had a healthy respect for the University of Georgia. Maybe it was because we lived in Bulldawg country. Maybe it was because half our friends were Georgia fans. Maybe it was because my parens tailgated with a very special group of friends every Fall in Athens. Whatever it was, Georgia was a friendly rivalry and losing to them never hurt quite as much.

Years later, when it came time for graduate school I enrolled in the UGA Journalism School and two years later, my brother Jonathan came to Athens for his undergraduate degree. The famililal rivalry was on. The teams were set. Mom and Dad for Auburn, Jonathan and me for Georgia. Fall Saturdays tailgating with them in Athens are some of the fondest memories I have. I think I still owe my dad $20 from the game in 1990.

Since 1897, Auburn and Georgia have played each other 110 times - the seventh longest rivalry in college football. And in just about every way possible, it is a close rivalry. Coming into Saturday's game, Georgia led the cumulative points total for the teams by only 20 points. Two years ago, the differential, was 3.

Saturday, the game was played in Auburn where traditionally, UGA plays pretty well. Auburn was ranked 5th in the country, trying to position themselves for a run at a place in the BCS championship game. On the heels of two embarrassing losses to Vanderbilt and Kentucky, Georgia was unranked and hoping not to get embarrassed. I was right there with them.

Friday, a former intern of ours who is presently a student at Auburn, sent me an email to say she'd be thinking of me Saturday when Auburn was up 30 points in the second half. She had the score right. Just not the right team. I really must email her back.

As is often the case in the Georgia-Auburn game things did not quite go according to script. When the dust settled, the Dawgs took it to Auburn and walked away with a 37-15 victory. Best of all, on the final drive Georgia drove down the field and when the clock got inside a minute, downed the ball on Auburn's 5 instead of trying to score.

The only thing better than winning, is winning with class. Perhaps someone will send a copy of the tape to Steve Spurrier so he can see what that looks like.

I lost my dad in 1999 and I miss him every day. I miss him when I have a big decision to make. When I'm not sure how to be a good daddy. When I'm looking to find my place in the world. I really miss him on days like yesterday when for three hours once a year, we shared a special contradictory bond. Fierce rivals. Best friends.

I know he was looking down at the game yesterday. I know he was cheering hard for Auburn. And while I know he's not happy about owing both me and my brother $20, at the end of the game, when he looked down and saw us laughing and talking to each other on our cell phones, he smiled. And he was proud.

He misses us too.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME No. 1
"John Kerry and the Importance of Fancy Book Learning"

Last week, during a speech to a group of college students in California, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry told them, "You know education. If you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't you get stuck in Iraq." According to Kerry, it was a joke aimed at the President.

Hilarious.

If the Republicans needed a rallying call in the midst of what was looking like a Democratic runaway, they got one. And mark my words, if the Republicans hold the Senate, or by some miracle, hold the House on November 7, Kerry will go down in history as the Congressional Bill Buckner.

What I can't figure out is why someone as smart as Kerry would say something as stupid and as incendiary as he did a week before the elections. Did no one in his camp run the risk/reward scenario in SimPolitics before the speech? I've seen the West Wing. Where was Kerry's Deputy Director of Shut the Hell Up? I mean, really. He couldn't wait one more week to cheapshot the President? It's not like he's going anywhere.

The reality is, what the distinguised comic from Massachusetts said wasn't even close to being funny. And whether he meant to or not, he insulted every man and woman fighting for this country. Oh, he said he would never have intentially insulted the troops (other than maybe that one time in the 60s). But that's like saying "you don't sweat much for a fat girl" and then telling her you meant it as a compliment.

To make matters worse, Kerry insulted everyone else in the country saying we clearly weren't smart enough to get the joke. Wow. You would have thought the seven years I spent in college getting three degrees would have served me a little better than that.

The truth of the matter is, Kerry opened his mouth and inserted his foot and it will cost the Democrats. The question is, how much? Personally, I can't wait to see what the fallout will be over the next two years. He's already got Democratic constituents dodging him like he's a bullet in the Matrix. But hey, don't worry about John Kerry. He's got ketchup money.

Besides, rumor has it the Dixie Chicks are looking for an opening act.